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When Your Secret Love Ends

Updated: May 24, 2020

When Your Secret Love Ends

“Love Is a Many-Splendored Thing,” or is it? Sometimes love comes when you are not in position to celebrate it in public. In this situation, you have the burden of keeping matters secret. So, when there is a loss, you suffer alone.

Secret relationships can complicate your life because issues always develop between people. When they do, they will require attention. These situations are not just about sex. In some cases, sex is the first element, but once this need is satisfied, one or both parties have a desire for an emotional connection. Other times, the emotional connection is the driving force that creates a strong bond that turns physical. Either way, bonding is an area that is difficult to solidify because spending time with your partner is stressed.

Spending time with your love and working on solutions to matters that arise is problematic. Issues are deferred and not fully addressed. When there is a loss, this deferment until the next meeting is not possible.

There are many reasons why people engage in private or secret love affairs, but the reasons are irrelevant to the topic of grieving when this type of relationship ends. If you are or have been in this type of situation then you may understand the degree of sadness and the burden that can occur.

Coping with Loss

It hurts when you lose a loved one under any circumstance. However, when you have shared a mutual secret with another person, and they are suddenly gone, there is no one you can call on for comfort. Holding on to powerful emotions is not easy, and people close to you may notice that you are not yourself. You will make excuses about not feeling well or just being under stress, but the truth will be the pain of loss.

A breakup between two secret lovers is further complicated because, many times, you are not given the opportunity to express your anger and resolve your feelings. The usual grieving process of the lost relationship is there, but you grieve in silence. Learning to cope with this loss is not easy, and there are times when you will need to engage counselors or confidants to help.

Confidentiality is essential when you enlist third parties, and therapists are a good alternative for this reason. You will need to employ healthy forms of coping to mitigate your hardship, and those are not easy to find. The person you lost filled a need that was not being met, and replacing that vacuum is difficult.

Grieving for a secret relationship does not just occur when there is a break-up. When the person you care for is ill and in need of care, you also have the loss of not being able to be there for them. It is a double loss because they are alive, but you are denied their attention and the ability to help them.

The death of a lover is another cruel loss that is not easy to overcome. You may have to endure the additional sadness of not saying goodbye. Furthermore, you may not be able to openly grieve with others in the way you need to express. You carry this burden without relief.

Grief is difficult in normal situations but in this case the weight of your problem is enhanced. Forbearance, the deferment of expressing your grief, and fortitude, courage in pain or adversity, are needed during this time of sadness. These virtues and being honest with yourself on avoiding this kind of agony should be employed at this time.


A secret love can make life bearable for some people because they are not getting their needs met in their public relationship. For them, the affair is worth the risk because ending their commitment is not feasible. Reasons such as children, assets, or prestige may not make a formal change in their lifestyle acceptable.

Your life may feel impossible to continue when your public relationship is unfulfilling, and your secret one is lost. The grief of such a loss can be difficult to contain. You should know that you are not alone. There are many others who have endured this kind of agony.

The suffering and loneliness can weigh heavily and living a “normal” life may be intolerable without help. You need to know that you are not by yourself, and you can find people who will help you without judgement.

What to do in these situations?

When you decided to make the adult decision to have a secret love, you accepted the consequences it brought with it. If you have lost them, you must make decisions based on your best judgment for coping and seek help from non-judgmental sources. Finally, the experience and pain you have suffered may bring you wisdom that you will carry the rest of your life!

John Cappello is a psychic medium who has been in practice for over 25 years. You can visit his website at for more information or to set up a private consultation.

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